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The 9 weirdest animals in PC gamesOne Off The List

One Off The List

As the fuzzy denizens of earth pivot to non-existence, we will soon be left with an unclear memory of the animal kingdom’s bizarre court. The elephant, for instance, what even is it? I cannot help with that question, I’m not a marine biologist. But what I can offer is a tour of endangered videogame wildlife. Otherworldly creatures you can’t find beneath the rocks of reality or swimming in the ponds of tangibility. It is the least I can do. So, here you go. A safari of the 9 weirdest animals in PC games.

Scrabs -Oddworld: Abe’s Oddysee

A screenshot from Oddworld showing the titular Abe being followed by the weird, crab-scorpion creature that is a scrab

Known primarily as the main ingredient in colourful Scrab Cakes, these animals are actuallybrutal carnivoreswith the senses of a bat and shark combined, and the innate aggression of a wolf spider. They have the human torso of a bodybuilder, four sharp insectoid legs, and an upwardly angled crescent-shaped beak, all the better, my dear, to stab you with. Scrabs will sometimes fight a fellow scrab, creating a ferocious dust devil that looks like two Tazes of Tasmania undergoing a frenzied spasm of lust. A majestic animal, and one you must never approach or converse with.

Malboro -Final Fantasy

A screenshot from Final Fantasy XV showing several of the characters ranged around a cave looking at a Malboro, a large ball of thick tentacles with a wide mouth. Its mouth is open showing rows of sharp, thin teeth, and it is breathing out a fog of stinky green breath.

The hostess with the mostest halitosis. The Malboro, also sometimes called “Molbol”, “Morbol” or “Oscar” (really), are a many-tentacled mainstay of theFinal Fantasygames. One of those fun echoes that reverberates from one daft fantasy realm to the next. Like Biggs and Wedge, but with an uncountable number of eyeballs. Its go-to move is to exhale all over you with a stinking cloud of status ailments. This animal is effectively a giant anti-smoking advertisement, right down to the name. As a harsh warning to mankind, it must be protected.

Warper -Subnautica

A screenshot showing the warper, a strange sort of giant beetle, advancing towards the camera.

Among the sea creatures of this sandy survive-a-doodle, you may point to the gargantuanReaperas the most fearful. Or the bulb-headedcrabsquidwith its translucent skin. You are incorrect. It is theWarper, a being so chock-full of malice its Dulux colour schema is “fresh bruise”. Part cuttlefish, part praying mantis, all murder. It is called a warper because it likes to telewarp right next to you and stab. But sometimes it is lazy and warpsyoutoit, making full use of its verb-as-moniker in a manner that is both worrying and painful.

Whatever this meatbeast is -Carrion

A screenshot from Carrion showing a 2D view of a cave. A square creature with a meaty texture is strung up in the corner with tendrils of its own flesh.

Is this game out yet? I feel like it’s out. I haven’t been paying attention this summer, if I’m honest. Yesterday, I tried to look at the videogames news and spent three hours apocalypse-scrolling through an infinity of hate crimes. Perhaps humanity deserves theCarrion.

Basilisks -Dark Souls

Art of a basilisk from dark souls, which is a cross between a bird and a frog.

“They’re just frogs,” you say, heart full of sewer level bravado. “Ha ha, they die in two hits. All they do is spit gas. It doesn’t even do anyth–”

But then you feel it. Creeping across your epidermis like an ice blister. Your feet begin to crystalise. You double over in astonishment. The “frogs” keep hopping around, vomiting more brown gas over you. One of them steps close enough for you to look in its hideous, bulbous eyes. And you realise: those aren’t eyes. Beneath them you finally see the animal’sreal eyes, two beady specks of vision blinking at you with boredom. Nothing about this animal is as it seems. Your face turns to ashen crystal. Hope you like living with half health, moron. You died, get the hell out of here.

Horse -Horse Master

A screenshot from the text game Horse Master, describing your small horse swimming around your bathtub. This is a normal thing for horses to do.

Horse Masteris just an ordinary story about an ordinary horse. There is little of note about the musculature load of the equine animals of this Twine game. I don’t know why I included it in this list. There is nothing unusual about the chemical composition of your horse’s bodily fluids. I don’t know what you are talking about. Everything is standard here.

Goo -World Of Goo

A screenshot from World Of Goo showing a half built bridge made out of blobs of aforementioned goo. The goo blobs are black and several have googly eyes.

Everything -Rain World

A screenshot from Rain World showing a rusted, decaying industrial landscape. On either side of the screen are two creatures that look like giant rabbits with antlers, in silhouette.

Neon lizards. Birds of prey with their skulls inside-out. Stampeding quadrupeds with scissors for mouths. Land octopuses. There isno shortage of oddityin the wilderness of platformy survival gameRain World. This is a merciless land of predation and fear. It isTokyo Junglefor Hobbesians, a regularly flooding ruinworld where humanity has long been extinct. Perhaps that is for the best. As awise man once said: these creatures require our absence to survive, not our help.

Unless you’re a slugcat. In which case, help would be nice.

Yoshimitsu -Tekken

A screenshot of Tekken character Yoshimitsu crouched after performing an attack. He is humanoid in shape, but looks as if he is wearing armour made of bone. Long tentacle-like spurs protrude from the back of his shoulders and head.

“He is completely human,” said Tekken director Katsuhiro Harada when asked the burning question:what is Yoshimitsu? “He looks unique because he is in a battlesuit.”

These are corporate-mandated lies. I put it to you, Mr Harada, that Yoshimitsu, the sword-wielding being of questionable origin, is not “completely human”. He is not even humanoid. He is an animal of some as-yet-unknown genus. Isn’t that so? An animal which allows for the 360 degree spinning of hands, teleportation of the entire body, and a non-lethal self-impaling technique. I put it to you, so-called “director”, that you are perpetuating a falsehood. Isn’t it true that you do not know what Yoshimitsu is? Isn’t it true that you have never known? That he appeared one day at Bandai Namco headquarters and, in an unsettling attempt to appease this mysterious being, you conceded, yes, as per his demands, he could appear in your fighting game, if he would only stop sliding weirdly across the floor on his bottom? Isn’t that correct?

No more questions, your honour.

One Off The List from… the best couriers

Last time we delivered some post tothe 7 best couriers in PC games. But you vicious readers demanded one of these be returned to sender. No such number, no such zone. It’s …Courier Six from Fallout: New Vegas.