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The 9 unluckiest characters in gamesOne Off The List
One Off The List
It’s Friday the 13th, the day of Saint Badluck, patron saint of ladders and casinos. And it is a fabulous holiday. Out there, parades are getting ready to be rained on, and children are looking forward to tonight’s shenanigans, when they will dress up as mirrors and knock on doors, declaring: “sweets or I’ll smash myself”. I love Friday the 13th. So many cherished memories. So many splinters of reflective glass.
So, Happy Bad Luck Day. Here’s a list of the 9 unluckiest characters in videogames. Spoilers for pretty much every game mentioned. So, watch out.
Edward Spratt -The Return Of The Obra Dinn
Stormcloak who gets his head chopped off during the intro -Skyrim
Your XCOM soldier -XCOM 2
You had a 97% chance to hit, George.
The snakeman was right there.
Right there.
The Dice -Dicey Dungeons
The dice-bodied contestants of this colourful deck-building gameshow get tons of chances to re-jig their cuberolls. They play with probability like a farm cat plays with a trembling shrew, knocking out enemies one after the other, conjuring up endless snake-eyed dice rolls with all the professional numeric manipulation of aNumberwangchampion. But who are they in the face of Lady Luck, the gameshow’s host and diabolical numberlord? The final task in a run ofDicey Dungeonsis to spin a wheel and see if you win the grand prize you’ve been reaching for, or if you get the dreaded black skull. You lose that end-of-game spin, time after time after time… What are the chances! It’s just terrible luck, isn’t it?
Stanley -The Stanley Parable
Can you be “unlucky” as a constrained human variable within a meticulously modelled simulation of illusory choice?
Yes. Let’s say yes.
Pug -Spelunky
Occam’s Razor demands that we sadly put aside the possibility there is a self-sustaining colony of pugs below the surface of the earth, and conclude instead that these animals keep falling down holes to become lost in the deep, twisting caverns of your favourite hole-hopping roguelike. And it’s only pugs. There’s no rottweilers, or labradors. Of all dogs, that is awfully bad luck. A tunnel is the worst place to put a pug. They have breathless grunty little noses, and a terrible attitude.
Chell -Portal 2
Bird Mascot -Hitman 2
“Why does this keep happening to me?”
Sean Diaz -Life Is Strange 2
One Off The List from… the most satisfying architecture in games
Last week we looked at the10 most satisfying examples of architecture in games. But you lot gathered en masse to reduce one of these buildings to rubble. It’s…the pyramids from Assassin’s Creed Origins.
“Surely the Pyramids don’t really count,” argues list inspector “KingFunk”, aiming a sceptical eye at the giant shapes. “Because they’re an intentional replica (albeit restored) of a real life piece of architecture. Credit for the Pyramids should go to their constructors, not video games – sorry Ubisoft!”
We commend this comment-doer for their devotion to reality, and its unquestionable superiority over the disgusting realm of digital entertainment. See you next week!
