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The 10 worst kings and queens in PC gamesOne Off The List
One Off The List
Empress Rhagaea -Mount & Blade II: Bannerlord
Kyros the Overlord -Tyranny
Kyros is a ruler so aloof they never actually appear in the flesh. They are like the Prime Minister in The Thick Of It, or the President in Veep. An unseen presence from which all power trickles down like a dribble of sticky Fanta. To whom does it trickle? Why, to frightening wizard goons like yourself, out to conquer distant lands. Meanwhile, your invisible despot enacts magical edicts that physically alter land, weather and life itself, suggesting that a person with enough unaccountable power is indistinguishable from a god. Which is why all gods must die. Don’t tell Kyros I said that.
Emperor Patrick Stewert -The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Ulfric Stormcloak -The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Say what you like about Paddy Stewart, at least he’s not a racist.
You -Long Live The Queen
When political sim meets visual novel, we can be sure of only two things: terrible death and the colour pink. The queen in this game is a 14-year-old anime idiot child with no skills or knowledge whatsoever. It’s up to you to schedule classes to fill skill meters in accounting, demeanour, falconry, music and heaven knows what else a teenage moron might need when it comes to rebuffing the leery glares of dukes, or conquering foreign lands. Not that it matters. You will die. You will be drowned, strangled, arrowed in the belly. That’s a queen’s life, sorry.
Rachni Queen -Mass Effecttrilogy
Caesar -Fallout: New Vegas
“Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s,” said latter-day Bono, Jesus Christ. He was talking about this videogame, I believe. I think he meant: “Kill Caesar”. Pretty sure.
Everyone you inhabit -Crusader Kings II
Crusader Kings IIhas seen countless would-be potentates body-hopping through history like a bargain bucket Quantum Leap. I see you, selfish gene. Hopping from one disfigured 80-year-old with three mistresses into the vessel of his 9th-born scion, oozing out of that same body decades later at its inevitable moment of death, slinking out like dysentery, which is what you’ve died of this time. And still, the country is a mess. Look at this. What kind of immortal god-prince can’t stop their nation erupting into the chaos of yet another civil war? Your line ends here.
King Radovid -The Witcherseries
A larger-than-life, paranoia-driven leader who believes the witches are out to get him. He scoffs at chess and scowls at everyone. In keeping with our own world’s subset of flag-wavers who cling tightly to the fantasy of magic blood, Radovid is quite mad. It’s somethinghistory tends to doto kings.
You again -Reigns
One Off The List from… the best dogs in games
Last month we took the9 best dogs in PC gamesout for walkies. But one of these cuddly companions needed to go live on the farm. It’s…Roach.
“I vote that we remove Roach from this list,” said dog policer Skabooga, “on the grounds that he is a cat.” It is a valid argument. We have all seen how easily he climbs the roof.
That’s it for now. Remember to comment with the King or Queen you want saved from the guillotine. Liberté, égalité, brutalité. I’ll see you next time, list goblins.
