HomeNewsValorant
PSA: don’t play Valorant while waiting for banana bread to bake"Lads, let’s wrap this up. I’ve got banana bread in the oven."
“Lads, let’s wrap this up. I’ve got banana bread in the oven.”
“Lads, let’s wrap this up. I’ve got banana bread in the oven.” Words I foolishly typed into the text chat of myValorantmatch to inform my teammates that I did not have time to mess about - I had baked goods at stake.
I made many mistakes on Sunday. The first was thinking I could get in a quick round of Riot’s tacticalFPSwhile my loaf was baking. The recipe said 50 minutes, Valo matches usually last up to 40. Reader, my match did not last just 40 minutes.
It started off so well. Loaf in the oven, timer on, the perfect amount of time to play a quick game - and at first, it went pretty fast. My squad was smashing the other team, and it seemed we’d manage to win the required 13 rounds with no issue. Then, just when we were up 6-2, our Sage piped up in voice chat.
“Hey everyone just use Classics, let’s meme on them.”
“Can we all afford Operators? Oh my god let’s all buy Ops, come on, come on,” said Sage, again. And so we did. All five of us charged around the map with the stupidly strong sniper rifle. I don’t think I actually saw an enemy that round, they’d all been burst in seconds.
Watch on YouTube
Watch on YouTube
It was at this point I began to worry. We were maybe around half an hour into this match, and if we continued to go on like this, there was no telling when it would end. My mind drifted to my poor loaf. What a waste it would be if it were to get burnt (it had nice chocolate chips in it and everything)! But it’s bad sportsmanship to bring a gun to a knife fight, so I sold my weapon, brandished my knife and hopped to the chosen dueling area.
Though, it was less aduel, and more10 idiots charging around attempting to stab each other. The enemy Raze clearly didn’t get the sportsmanship memo either, because as soon as she noticed her team was losing, she lobbed a load of grenades at us.
You fiend.
…Except, I am not good enough to carry a team inValorantwho have no desire to play the game as it’s intended. From this point on, it all kind of devolved into madness. Our best player was off pissing about with the enemy Raze, while my team insisted that we played with shotguns until we won - specifically the Bucky, which is a Bad Shotgun. The enemy squad caught up with us, we hit 11-10 and I had about 2 minutes left on the loaf. Panic.
The next round dragged on, but we snagged the win. My timer dinged. Paralysed with indecision, I couldn’t decide whether to sprint downstairs to get the baked goods out, or buy a decent gun and attempt to demolish my enemies one last time.
“Lads, let’s wrap this up. I’ve got banana bread in the oven,” I typed, purchasing a Vandal.
“Screw your banana bread,” one replied. “No, savour the win,” said another. “It will taste better if you use the Bucky.”
No it won’t “GaySniperDad420”, it’ll taste fucking burnt.
As I defused the bomb the enemy team had planted, my squad started pleading over voice chat to stop. I simply shook my character’s head while the “Victory” screen arose. Disrespect the bread and you disrespect me.
I’m pleased to tell you the banana loaf survived - albeit a little too crispy on the top. So take this as a lesson, dear reader, if you’re looking for a game to play while baking tasty treats, do not play Valorant (or at least, don’t play Valorant like a numpty).
