Meet the 7 weirdest dwarves in the history of Dwarf Fortress

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Meet the 7 weirdest dwarves in the history of Dwarf FortressNothing but contempt for oysters.

Nothing but contempt for oysters.

Without spoiling anything, I can tell you that things get… quite interesting from here. But before we move on to that, I want to do something I always regretted not doing with the Basement ofCuriosity, which is provide you with a proper profile for each and every founding dwarf. Come on in, there’s pictures and everything.

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Cover image for YouTube video

(Oh, and that there is last week’s kick-off video, in case you missed it)

As you probably already know, Dwarf Fortress is a world generator. And it generates worlds with extraordinary levels of detail. Each of the seven dwarves in an embark is subject to paragraphs and paragraphs of information concerning their appearance, characteristics, opinions and relationships. Nevertheless, all of that can be quite daunting to go through, and it can be really hard to get an overall impression of what a dwarf is like from a wall of short, no-frills descriptive sentences.

Two things to note:

Tombshushed

Biographical information for a wavy-haired, deceptively friendly looking dwarf called Tombshushed. She has an extremely upturned nose, staring, wide-set eyes, and a mess of mid-length wavy hair. She is thinking about death and bones. She is weak, clumsy, has barely any social understanding, and is repulsed by power and would see all masters toppled. She is expedition leader.

Towergorge

Biographical information for a pugnacious-looking, shaven-headed dwarven woman called Towergorge. She has a prominent, narrow chin, sunken eyes, and jug ears. Despite being described as musical, she also has no creativity whatsoever. She loves barrels, swords and leather but can’t handle snails. She also finds work disgusting and cares not for friendship.

Newrags

Lengthhatchet

Biographical information for an abjectly sad-looking dwarven woman called Lengthhatchet. She has faded tan hair, wrinkled skin, and looks like someone’s just microwaved her only possession and laughed the whole time. She is incapable of feeling hope, yet craves albatross teeth despite the fact that albatross do not have teeth. Which tells you all you need to know tbh.

Clinchedoil

Biographical information for a deranged-seeming, beanfaced dwarven woman called Clinchedoil. She’s leering in from the edge of the picture, with tiny-pupilled eyes facing in different directions, looking nihilistically gleeful. She has vast strength yet no stamina, thinks facts are worthless, and prefers abstract concepts to real things despite having no sense of conviction at all

Boardboulder

Biographical information for a cantankerous-looking, dreadlocked dwarven woman called Boardboulder. She has a sneer that suggests she wants to break into a tortoise sanctuary and force every reptile in there to smoke a pack of marlboro reds. Boardboulder is a ‘total brute’ who is well into whiskey, and, despite not being able to bear loyalty or friends, is super into hugging.

Ironsling

Biographical information for a really hard-looking dwarven woman called Ironsling. She has vast ears, and an expression that suggests she reckons a door just accused her of having an arse for a heart. Rude, brave and rowdy, Ironsling believes everyone should just get along. Apart from, presumably, oysters, which she has nothing but contempt for.

So - any favourites so far? Who would you be most afraid to live in a vile burrow with?

For me, any of these could be hero material, quite frankly. But of all of them, I think Boardboulder has a particularly dark energy, which I enjoy a lot. None of them seem like natural beak dog wranglers, unfortunately, and most of them despise nature to some degree. But you know what they say: needs must, when the beak dog drives.