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Is your Cyberpunk 2077 merch cyberpunk enough?It is almost certainly not
It is almost certainly not
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First of all, we shall dispense with Cyberpunk’s spokesmodel. I’m counting Keanu Reeves as merch rather than a living, breathing human with autonomy because it was revealed that Keanu - sorry, Mr Reeves - was going to be inCyberpunk 2077as legendary cyberhero Crispy Aluminiumfoil, he has been popping up in the marketing more and more often. Just as Crispy now exists as as code ghost inside player character V’s head, Mr Reeves seems to bebecoming part of the machine. Arguably very cyberpunk, and fair enough. If I were CDPR I, too, would have identified that Keanu Reeves’s public reputation is for being an extremely nice, cool guy, and I would want people to associate that with my game.
Unfortunately, that public reputation means that I also assume that Mr Reeves is nice and cool, and can do whatever he wants. Therefore, this is not at all cyberpunk, sorry.
The Steelseries Arctis 1 wireless headset is “the official headset” of Cyberpunk 2077, which is a turn of phrase that always makes me laugh a bit. McDonald’s is the official nug of Olympic athletes and so on. Sadly, as we can see from the example image showing the headset in question (with the Kang Tao faction cosmetic boosters, which btw cost another 35 shitting quid on top of the headset itself) it does not even fit properly on the Cyberpunk 2077 man. Therefore, this is also not cyberpunk. Rubbish. Insulting, even.
The Rockstar Samurai Cola is probably my personal favourite tie-in just from a, like, design point of view. It is named after a band in the game universe who used music to fight the power, as is traditional for many bands. And nothing is more rebellious thanslammin’cans of branded energy drink. So, thematically, very cyberpunk, but only in like a meta way, unfortunately. But props for the best drink/game sponsorship since Monster xDeath Stranding.
As you can see, this blue and yellow Cyberpunk branded Seagate drive is virtually indistinguishable from a normal ammo clip. But it is also quite boring and doesn’t have any flashing cybernetic bits. Also, could plainly bemoreyellow, as we are about to see.
You know what? 100% works. That’s a cyberpunk PC peripheral, alright.
Yes. Let us all stride together in the cyber-shadow of our monolithic Xboxes, into a glorious and bright cyber-future, my friends.
(Thanks to Hardware Queen Katharine for providing most of these digitally enhanced simulations, including the absolute best one).
