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Does Watch Dogs Legion contain a single NPC I could bear to hang out with?Crisis On Infinite Geezers
Crisis On Infinite Geezers
The level of simulation is dead impressive, and can lead to some interesting situations. But it leads to a lot of weird ones, too. Regardless of how well Ubisoft have concealed the practical limitations of this extraordinary system, we’re just not at a point in game design where you can automate the generation of a character’s appearance, backstory and personality, and have them walk out of the process as a believable and compelling human being.
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Angus Miller
Angus almost seemed alright, to be fair - a strong start. Anyone willing to be a climatologist in the nightmare future is probably a pretty solid geezer, and they’ve even submitted an article to a science journal! Admittedly they also sell elbow fetish videos, but I don’t want to yuck their yum. It was all going so well until I noticed that Angus' face is perpetually stuck doing the People’s Eyebrow, a la Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the late 90s. I checked - it’s always like that. I imagine him as being always one sentence away from finding a way to make the conversation about elbows, and I think that would get uncomfortable quickly. Next.
Shaimaa Armia
What a fucking bin fire of a human being. Apart from anything else, who joins the Conservative Party at age 18? That’s chilling, for a start. No wonder she screenshotted an article on coping with feeling hopeless. But I’m sorry, if the subheading for your entire presence on earth is “banned for life from London Zoo”, you’re no friend of mine. Straight into the canal with her. Next.
Bryan Silver
Abbas Ibrahim
Ah, yes. It’s Cyclops from X-men, re-imagined as a dejected incel on Christmas day. He does like cricket, but I know nothing about the sport, so we wouldn’t have any common ground there. And besides that, Abbas seems mostly interested in chemtrails, as well as getting wankered and doing parkour. Disaster of a man. Quite like his necron Christmas jumper, but that’s not enough to save him. Next.
Bronywn Moss
Look, I’m not proud, but I was quite taken with Bronwyn at first. She’s a sharp dresser, I love the Welsh, and I’m always partial to a woman implicated in a drone incident. However, then I got to “games journalist” and “£109,000 a year salary”, and couldn’t stop laughing. Sorry Bronwyn, you cannot possibly exist. Next.
Graham Anderson
Levent Topuzoglu
Ah! Finally, the hero we deserve. Part Ghandi, part Alf Garnett, all champion. Levent was doddering along the street extremely slowly when I found him, and when engaged with in conversation had a proper growly cockney accent. And unlike everyone else in the game, there’s nothing needlessly techy in his background. He just likes cars, and mayors, and efficiency. He wants to be a bit more careful with his thumbs, but that’s no reason to cast him into the dark. Welcome to the resistance, Levent, I’m sure we’ll get along just fine.
